Kitchen Lovers

Mildred?

Yes Bob?

Please call me Bobby.

Okay Bobby.

I know I've never kissed you on your fanny.

Due to the fish smell.

Yes, yes, the fishy smell.

You hate fish.

I do. And I've never kissed you on the mouth due to the fact you're breath stinks even worse. But the point I wanted to make here is, I hate this fucking kitchen.

You do?

Yes. I'm using foul language to stress the point.

But we've had this kitchen for years.

I know. And I've had enough. In fact, I've had enough of you.

But why?

Because you're fat. And old. In fact, I've had enough of life entirely.

I knew one day you'd tire of London.

You really are an ugly cunt Mildred.

Give all you can.

This is Partario and he is the victim of domestic violence. He has learned that no matter how much he cries, all he will be met with is a swift cockslap or dildoslap if his mother is involved.

He doesn't know what Christmas is, Santa passes over his house every year but he isn't one of those Jewish fellas'.

His ears aren't on straight, so any pair of glasses he has look all crooked and shit.

His parents threw him out of the house last month, he's just 9 years old.

That's right, he's a proper little bastard.

Please give just £2 a month to Partario's poor parents, so they can rebuild their shattered mental states on 0800 555 3827

"He can't pester you while he's off bird watching can he?"

Hello uncle Bob?

Yes? Is that you Nathan?

Yeah, I'm just calling to say I'm bird watching.

Great, well I'll just leave you to get on wit-

Ooo! There's a bird..... And another one.

Aww that's nice. Take some pictures if you see some more.

Wow, there's a bird. I didn't kill her you know.

What did you say?

I said there's another bird Uncle.

Oh.

I'm not watching birds actually. I fucking hate birds. I like Mammals. I fucking hate Mammals. I haven't even taken the lense caps off these bi-oculars...... Uncle? Uncle? Reminds me of that Ronan Keating concert I went to. So much blood.

Mother fuckin' ghost lover.

Hi, welcome to Spiritual world. I'm your host Arthur Sixpence. Today I'm joined by Stan Pirgint pictured to your left, welcome Stan.

Thank you Hank.

My name is Arthur.

Very well, it's your choice I suppose. It's not the name I would have chosen for you of course.

So Stan, I believe you have a fairly unsual obsession, am I right?

Well, I don't think so.

Quite. Stan here is in love with a Ghost.

I call my lady friend a "Spictrim" rather than a ghost.

Yes, so how did you meet?

I met him in an art gallery.

Him?

Yes, my lady friend is a painting of sir Francis Drake. It's the spictrim which inhabits the canvas, also the spictrim is a man.

...............................

I'm thinking of getting a sex change in order for us to have physical love also.

Get off my show.

Fucking cunts piss me off too.

You know what pisses me off? More than "you"? It's when cunts fuck around with what I want to do, now if I make even the smallest little inconvenience.... this happens.....

And I, for one messiah of the evil persuasion is getting about sick of it well and truly.

Do you know what pisses me off?

You!