Slanty

Please Dad, slow down. I'm tired.

Oh Peter, you are always the same. Do you know what you sound like? Let me show you..."Please daddy, my legs hurt." "Daddy, I need to sit down, I'm tired". See how pathetic you sound? Don't you understand this is real life. Not all that sitting about in front of the television or playing video games, getting fat and lazy like your mother would have you do.

I never called you Daddy. I'm too big for that now.

Please Peter, let's no be pedantic shall we.

But my legs DO hurt.

Stop moaning will you. We are almost there.

But we have been hiking up this rock for Two hours.

Don't you think I know that? I have a watch. In fact I had a watch long before you were even an idea in your mother's head. But let's not talk about your mother. This is our weekend.

You hate Mum don't you? That's why you got divorced isn't it?

What? Oh no. That's just not true Peter. I don't hate your mother. I just think she's a fucking cunt. That's all. Now save your energy my boy because we still have Six more miles of this shit.

On The Ocean Waves

Hey Reg, you know what?

Eh what's that Tim?

I'd say my beard is more attractive than yours old boy.

Really? Do tell.

My beard hugs my face tighter than yours.

Hey friend, you're right! My beard just loiters on my chin here, while you're building an entire society on your face.

Quite so Reg. Quite so.

You know, I really do love being in the Merchant Navy Tim. I think I have the best hairstyle for it.

Reg, I admit defeat, you're hair is worth a trophy.

If you like the hair on my head. You should see my pubic region.

I think I'm going to have to borrow your cigarette for that one Reg.

Russell Crowe loves history so much he made some up...

Radio 4's "Front Row" show.



Mark Lawson: I'd like to welcome to the show star of the new hit Robin Hood; Russell Crowe. Thank you Russell for coming in tonight.



Russell Crowe: You mind if I sit here held up only by my erection? Look how intense I look, I'm like a hypnotist staring into your soul, god I love the radio. Mmmm.




Mark Lawson: Yeah... Sure. Anyway I'd like to talk about the direction that your new version of Robin Hood takes.


Crowe: Good, that's what you're paying me the big bucks for. Now, a lot of people make some very understandable misconceptions about the character of Robin which is understandable, they're very understandable misconceptions. Understandable if anything.


Lawson: Like what?


Crowe: Well, a lot of people think he was English for one.


Lawson: ........ And about the voice, the accent you were using for the film. I know this is sort of a sticking point with you but would you say there were hints of Irish in there? I got that a lil bit when I was watching the film.


Crowe: You've got dead ears mate, dead ears and if you keep that fucking bollocks up you'll have a dead everything and that's not a threat... No actually that was kinda threatening so yea I guess it was a threat.... Yeah it was. THAT was a threat mate.


Lawson: Quite.


Crowe: As far as the voice goes mate, the reality is, in our version is that he's been estranged from his family for a long time, perhaps spending several years, litterally living in a box outside McDonalds in Belfast, we just don't know but that's what we're gonna be spoon feeding those suckling-pig theatre goers.


Lawson: That's very inter-


Crowe: Well depending on what historian you want to believe, a lot of them are full of shit mate, but there's a long running argument between them and me as to where he was born, some say Notingham, I say Nantucket Road Island when in actuality he was an Australian gladiator in Rome, or at least that's what Ridley told me. It's kinda the way I wanted the movie to go anyway so it married up nicely with the real life history mate. Everything you believed or thought you believed about the character is fucking wrong cause Ridley Scott and me said so, Hollywood believe us enough to pump Millions of Dollars into the movie and it's being made in Colour so you know it has to be a true story.


Lawson: You can't be serious... Honestly? Colour?


Crowe: Hey! I don't have to take this bollocks from you mate. Where's your fucking Oscar?


Lawson: Same place as your oscar-worthy performance. Nowhere.


Crowe: ..................

The Brian Ironic Interviews

So what conclusion have you come to Brian?

Maybe that I have too many DVDs. And that I identify too much with Ozymandias from the Watchmen comic.

How so? You're a gay?

Besides that. I know I have a gay man's face but it's not about sexuality. Why do you keep pursuing if I am homosexual or not?

Possible homosexual.

What I meant is, in the way Adrian Veidt tried to save the human race from nuclear war.

Ah, I see. And that's what you've been trying to do is it Brian?

Don't talk to me in that condescending tone please.

I apologise.

But to answer your question. Yes. That is exactly what I have been trying to do.

Not just dressing up in a suit everyday and pretending to go to work then? Because your Mom actually thinks you have a job.

Look! What I do is real. What Mr. Veidt in Watchmen was trying to archive was real. That's why I always wear my Watchmen pin on my lapel.

Lapel. That's a French word isn't it?

Oh fuck off Dave. If you're going to talk to me like I'm some kind of fucking Mongoloid the deal is off. No more interview. That means no more thesis.

You're right. I again apologise. Now Brian, please can we continue...?

Mystery Sandwich

Yo Jimmy, this is great, inviting me round here to play some video games and have a sandwich with ya.

No probs Rich.

I mean, ya know, after all that business with me and yo sister.

Hey forget about it man. We're friends.

Yeah. Sorry about, ya know, getting her pregnant and shit.

Yeah, especially since you're married and have Two kids already... And had no intentions of ever leaving your wife for my Sis.

Yeah. But we cool now yeah?

You eaten your sandwich?

Yep.

Now we cool.

Aren't you gonna have a sandwich? They taste awesome!

Of course they do. I made them... With my CUM!

What?

You heard me fucker. You just ate my cum and you loved it.

But... I thought we were friends.

Friends? None of my friends eat cum sandwiches. Oh and another thing, if you ever come near me or my family again, I'm gonna rip out your lungs out and shit in your chest. Now fuck off.

A Walk Down Memory Lane

UALW Stonegate Arena. Jan 12th, 2010

BAM! The music hits, the spotlight pin points the entrance way and out comes a familiar face.

XX: Yo, yo, yo, hello Joe, Joe, Joe! It's the Double Daddy, it's Mister Sexy Pantalones himself; Xiqoozo Xizz coming at'ya like that group of little black girls from the early 90s. I forget their name. But hey, yeah, good to be black, I mean back. UALW looks a bit dusty and left for dead these days but yours truly is same old, same old. Ain't nothing or nobody gonna change me. Well it's a new year, a new decade, fuuuuuuuuck, it's a whole new world. I'm putting the band back together if you know what I mean. Oh yeah, called up my cousins Payne and VA and they are coming down on the next flight. Gonna be fucking amazing to see them again. That's right... Welcome to '010 baby. No, you can't do that zero number thang crap no more can ya? Well welcome to whatever anyway. Just call me The Xooz motherfucker!!!

Dot's Christmas

Now smile nicely Dorothy. You know Mummy doesn't like the Anakin Skywalker grimace from the podrace scene in The Phantom Menace.

But Mum, I don't wanna smile.

And why not?

Because Uncle Jeffery touched me in a wrong way.

What do you mean darling?

Last night, Uncle Jeffery told me to sit on his lap and then he reached down and touched my-

Silly little Dotty. What's wrong with you?! On Christmas Day telling filthy lies about Uncle Jeff like that. Don't be a silly girl. Don't you know lies make baby Jesus cry?

But he did Mum he-



NO! NO! NO! I won't hear of it! My brother did no such thing! He is not a paedophile or sex criminal! You bitch! This is why you are going to borstal!

But Mummy please...

BORSTAL!!!

Alright, so 6 fucking hours later....

I finally got through the Ultimate cut of the almighty Watchmen and that lil dicksplash on youtube who said the Black Freighter sections were "jarring" and that it made the film "plodding" to the point of "near unwatchability" I tell you that you are a curr sir, a curr AND a bounder.

I one day very much hope to kill you and your loved ones in a daring jewellery heist involving thermite in some capacity, I then hope your corpse is raped by a jew.

Ultimate Watchmen is exactly that.

Carmina Burana

Hey you Keira Knightly looking foxy chick. Nice handbag.

Oh do you like it? It was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.

Shit baby, your fine ass went all the way to Mordor for that thang?

No silly. I bought it off Ebay.

Well I didn't get the Watchmen Ultimate cut review I wanted so....

You see, I watched a youtube review of "Watchmen Ultimate cut" on blu ray today and it didn't tell me what I wanted to hear, so, based on that fact I've decided to completely ignore everything that guy had to say and write my own review. Now, please bare in mind that I don't own the movie yet but I DO own every other version of Watchmen, the separate black freighter DVD and the Motion Comics so I can guess how it's gonna go down and write a review thusly...


Watchmen Ultimate cut is exactly that, it's fucking amazing! If you love watchmen you'll love it more and if you hate watchmen I don't give a flying shitball what you think so go and die you fuckwit lil bastard. God I hate you. I hate you so much.

Fuck you youtube review of the movie guy, I hope your fingers fucking explode!

Evil little cunts

Kitchen Lovers

Mildred?

Yes Bob?

Please call me Bobby.

Okay Bobby.

I know I've never kissed you on your fanny.

Due to the fish smell.

Yes, yes, the fishy smell.

You hate fish.

I do. And I've never kissed you on the mouth due to the fact you're breath stinks even worse. But the point I wanted to make here is, I hate this fucking kitchen.

You do?

Yes. I'm using foul language to stress the point.

But we've had this kitchen for years.

I know. And I've had enough. In fact, I've had enough of you.

But why?

Because you're fat. And old. In fact, I've had enough of life entirely.

I knew one day you'd tire of London.

You really are an ugly cunt Mildred.